I have to be the best. At everything I do. Ever since I was a kid, I usually got compliments for my grades and intellectual achievments. When I wasn't doing well, I would be told "you're so capable", "you have so much to give" and so on. They meant well, but it paralyzed me.I have to be the best, because I can't imagine just being good. It's all or nothing. Either I ace, or I'm deficient, worth less somehow. I'd be a disappointment to my parents, my teachers, my classmates rooting for me. I'd be "wasted potential". In conversations around the cofee table, they'll talk about me with a sigh. That boy, he really could have been something. My MA has to be a masterpiece. Because the subject is so hot-button. Because my advisor, one of the most brilliant minds in the country, believes I can do it. I'm so afraid of letting him down. I have to ace every paper, impress with every presentation. Any criticism immediately cancells out all the praise. If 99% liked my paper and 1% hated it or belittled it, the other 99% doesn't count. I have to have everyone's adulation. Without it, I'm nothing. The present-day Orthodox Jewish world is no help at all in this regard. Our "heroes" are picture perfect. Tzadikim who never made mistakes or savants who could memorize the Shas. All the rest of us are sneered upon. "Baalei Batim", people who do "mehkar" and so on. Even actual poskim are a few rungs lower on the ladder. God forbid actual public service and messy reality interfere with pure otherworldly matters. I hate them. I hate the people, both in the religious and secular world, who will tolerate nothing but marble models and Greek gods. Mostly, I hate them because they make me hate myself even more, because I know I can never measure up to such ideals. I can barely begin many a paper for so long because I know, or am afraid that it will never come out as pristine and perfect as it seemed in my head. Even now, I'm thinking about all the possible critiques of this post. I don't know what to do, really. It feels like a trap with no way out.
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2 comments:
You are a truly amazing human being. You have unfortunately inherited the trap Abba and I find ourselves in all the time... Your piece gives me hope that we can all learn to trust in the process and do what we do... as much or as little as humanly possible. You remind me of two stories: one about Chagall and one about me. Chagall would suffer with the ending of each painting and would refuse to let go until his wife told him: "the next one. The next painting will work out the problems you couldn't figure out in this one." and he would go on to continue his long and prolific artistic career. (I wish you the same.)
My story: There was a pigua in our yishuv and a boy was hurt and returned from the hospital. I asked whether anyone was preparing Shabbat for the family. Later I got a request to prepare a salad. "A salad!", I laughed. It seemed like such an insignificant request. But I decided to take it seriously. I bought a variety of vegetables. I washed and checked them. I assembled them in a big bowl and brought them over. The boy answered the door and accepted my gift and my good wishes. Later, the mother brought back the bowl and expressed her appreciation of my gift. You never know what you do and its impact. The simplest thing, a salad. I made a salad. Someone else made a main course and a family that had been struck by terror could feel that people cared.
Please leave room to love yourself. I love you very much as does Abba. You are our firstborn.
The target of our inexperience but also the recipient of our wonder and awe at G-d's creation - YOU! There is noone like you and the world and we are the richer for your very existence.
Love, Ima
You're an extremely good writer, I can see from this blog. But this post makes it seem like your self-esteem is way too tied up in your professional success.
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