On Dealing With Depression

Winston Churchill called it the "black dog". Roughly one out of ten people will experience clinical depression before the age of 40. Many of the most brilliant minds have suffered from it. Even whacky comedians like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams have it.

I was diagnosed with it as a tennager. It was a nightmare, both for myself and for my family, who did not know how to help me. The "worst years" when I did not function at all are a time in my life I would much rather forget. Life was an empty abyss of despair. I couldn't physically smile or enjoy anything. I hated myself in every sense of the word.

I mention all this because contrary to popular myth, things like to depression do not miraculously disappear. The idea that someone can just "snap out of it" is complete bullshit - the statement of someone who has clearly never dealt with depression himself. It takes years of hard work and trial and error to be able to get back on track and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

Even then, it never completely goes away. Like the yetzer hara, it is always looking for an opening - day in, day out. Every time problems occur or crises happen, it beckons. Like a drug, it beckons us to give up, to withdraw from life, either figuratively or, in more extreme cases, literally. I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted on many an ocassion to do just that.

So what keeps me from sinking back into the hole? A recognition that my problems won't go away by ignoring them. The knowledge that however bad things are now, they are exponentially better than they were then. A promise I made to myself that I would never hurt my family that way again.

Still, I have to wonder - what girl would ever want to have anything to do with someone who has to fight a daily twin struggle against depression and OCD? How can I build a family with the "black dog" just around the corner? I admit I don't really have an answer to these questions.

So if you're out there dealing with this, know that you are not alone. There are many who are dealing with it as well.