The Desire to Belong (Orthodox Academic Journal, Part II)

We want to be loved by our peers. It's a basic psychological need. Usually, we find some area in which we excel - sports, intellect, socializing or otherwise and "show it off" so people can "ooh" and "aah". Eventually, we find "our" crowd, that group of people with whom we feel "at home".

I thought that home was academia. Maybe I was wrong. I didn't realize just how much I am represent an insignificant minority. I am a Modern Orthodox Jew. I disagree emphatically with the idea that "sociological" (i.e. without kabalat ol mitzvot) conversion is enough. I also disagree with the notion that whatever is "liberal", "pluralistic" or "universal" is always good or that whatever is "conservative" or "particularistic" is always bad. I also think that the Haredi stranglehold on the Rabbinate and halakhic thinking is a disaster for the Jewish people in Israel and has caused nothing but hillul hashem and hatred towards Orthodoxy as a whole. Consequently, I don't follow the "dogma" of either camp and am forced to feel defensive and uncomfortable in either setting.

It's not just that, though. I never realized, or maybe I didn't want to know, how much non-religious Jews lump all Orthodox Jews in the same group. There I am, a university student with years of experience in secular self-education, and I may as well just walk around with Haredi garb for all the difference it makes. My (big) kippa is just so much window-dressing. There's no-one that I know to talk to here. There's no support system for religious students dealing with issues like this - everyone, including people on the teaching staff, seem to all deal with this on their own with varying degrees of success. Suffice to say that I am afraid many of us are "burned" religiously even if we still have a kipa over our heads.

After years of searching, I still often feel very alone. To be sure, I have my family, who are all very supportive and helpful. Maybe I should give up looking for "my crowd". Maybe such a thing doesn't exist, at least for me. Which brings me back to the original problem - what the hell am I doing here?