The Desire to Belong (Orthodox Academic Journal, Part II)

We want to be loved by our peers. It's a basic psychological need. Usually, we find some area in which we excel - sports, intellect, socializing or otherwise and "show it off" so people can "ooh" and "aah". Eventually, we find "our" crowd, that group of people with whom we feel "at home".

I thought that home was academia. Maybe I was wrong. I didn't realize just how much I am represent an insignificant minority. I am a Modern Orthodox Jew. I disagree emphatically with the idea that "sociological" (i.e. without kabalat ol mitzvot) conversion is enough. I also disagree with the notion that whatever is "liberal", "pluralistic" or "universal" is always good or that whatever is "conservative" or "particularistic" is always bad. I also think that the Haredi stranglehold on the Rabbinate and halakhic thinking is a disaster for the Jewish people in Israel and has caused nothing but hillul hashem and hatred towards Orthodoxy as a whole. Consequently, I don't follow the "dogma" of either camp and am forced to feel defensive and uncomfortable in either setting.

It's not just that, though. I never realized, or maybe I didn't want to know, how much non-religious Jews lump all Orthodox Jews in the same group. There I am, a university student with years of experience in secular self-education, and I may as well just walk around with Haredi garb for all the difference it makes. My (big) kippa is just so much window-dressing. There's no-one that I know to talk to here. There's no support system for religious students dealing with issues like this - everyone, including people on the teaching staff, seem to all deal with this on their own with varying degrees of success. Suffice to say that I am afraid many of us are "burned" religiously even if we still have a kipa over our heads.

After years of searching, I still often feel very alone. To be sure, I have my family, who are all very supportive and helpful. Maybe I should give up looking for "my crowd". Maybe such a thing doesn't exist, at least for me. Which brings me back to the original problem - what the hell am I doing here?

Good Revisionism, Bad Revisionism

"It's Time for Another Good Idea, Bad Idea" - Animaniacs

Revisionism. The word itself makes many an historian salivate. The thought of being able to up-end established scholarship and popular perceptions of what happened in the past is a great temptation for those of us wanting to quickly establish ourselves in the scholarly community. Unfortunately, the desire to do so contains many pitfalls, so I have written up a list comparing what I consider to be "good" revisionism - i.e. revisionism that contributes to academic debate and thought, and "bad" revisionism - the type that's good for juicy newspaper interviews, but not much else. Enjoy.

The "Official" Version: A simplistic black-and-white morality tale where the "establishment" is always the "good guy" and right, and its enemies are always the "bad guys" and wrong.

Good Revisionism: A careful, objective analysis of all sides, taking into account context, contingency, zeitgeist and other factors before arriving at a reasoned judgment.

Bad Revisionism: A simplistic black-and-white morality tale where the "establishment" is always the "bad guy" and wrong, and its enemies are always the "good guys" and right.

Good Revisionism: History ("what happened") is the primary concern. Historiography (how it was written) and collective memory (what people think happened) is a secondary concern that must not affect the historical analysis.

Bad Revisionism: Historiography/collective memory are the primary concern. History is thus dependent on what people think happened, regardless of what actually happened.

Corollary: Good revisionism considers "mythbusting" to be incidental (even if it's a nice added bonus) to the primary task of the research. Bad revisionism is obsessed with rebutting popular conceptions of history, and not so much with what actually happened.

Good revisionism: Causes most reasonable people to think and consider your arguments, even if they disagree.

Bad revisionism: Convinces those who were already convinced, usually because of previous political convictions and prejudices. Happy "revising". AIWAC

On Dealing With Depression

Winston Churchill called it the "black dog". Roughly one out of ten people will experience clinical depression before the age of 40. Many of the most brilliant minds have suffered from it. Even whacky comedians like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams have it.

I was diagnosed with it as a tennager. It was a nightmare, both for myself and for my family, who did not know how to help me. The "worst years" when I did not function at all are a time in my life I would much rather forget. Life was an empty abyss of despair. I couldn't physically smile or enjoy anything. I hated myself in every sense of the word.

I mention all this because contrary to popular myth, things like to depression do not miraculously disappear. The idea that someone can just "snap out of it" is complete bullshit - the statement of someone who has clearly never dealt with depression himself. It takes years of hard work and trial and error to be able to get back on track and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

Even then, it never completely goes away. Like the yetzer hara, it is always looking for an opening - day in, day out. Every time problems occur or crises happen, it beckons. Like a drug, it beckons us to give up, to withdraw from life, either figuratively or, in more extreme cases, literally. I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted on many an ocassion to do just that.

So what keeps me from sinking back into the hole? A recognition that my problems won't go away by ignoring them. The knowledge that however bad things are now, they are exponentially better than they were then. A promise I made to myself that I would never hurt my family that way again.

Still, I have to wonder - what girl would ever want to have anything to do with someone who has to fight a daily twin struggle against depression and OCD? How can I build a family with the "black dog" just around the corner? I admit I don't really have an answer to these questions.

So if you're out there dealing with this, know that you are not alone. There are many who are dealing with it as well.