Conference Blues

Well, university starts next week, so no more slacking off :). I decided to take this opportunity to write on one of the academic activities I enjoy the least - the academic conference. Academic conferences are always too long, too boring, and too pointless. I have yet to attend a conference, even on subjects I like, that did not evenetually make me want to jump out of my skin for lack of something to do. Therefore, as a public service, and in the hope that conferences will not be nearly as bad as years past, I have compiled the following short list of pointers for those who have to lecture at conferences (commentary will follow in a seperate posting): 1. Keep it short, simple and to the point. 2. If you are assigned 20 minutes, the lecture had better damned well be no more than 20 minutes. No exceptions. 3. Thank you's should last no more than 3 minutes. 4. Look at the audience, not at your notes. Engage us. Use humor if possible. 5. If there is "time to kill" during a session, don't. The audience will thank you. 6. STAY ON TOPIC. 7. Don't use 20 examples when 3 will do. Save the other 17 for the article. The same goes for evidence supporting your argument. 8. Lectures are not laundry lists. Please make each subject interesting in and of itself. Avoid the following monotonic method: "there's this....and then there's that....and then there's this..." 9. If you can not follow any of the above, edit the lecture. As for you poor shmoes who have to attend conferences, here's some suggestions: 1. Assume the worst, that the conference will be awful (it usually is). 2. Bring a book, CD Player, or play games on a pad of paper. 3. Make sure you sit in the middle or back, This way no one will pay attention if you fall asleep (snoring, on the other hand...). This has been an Emergency Public Broadcast for the conference- impaired. If you have attended a conference, don't forget to scream in horror on your way out. Thank you, and have a nice day.